By, Lenin Silva
"Journey of Renewal" - Lenin Silva
This is day four of my healing journey. This morning, as I woke up, I realized it's been four days since I last used, and the urge to use has been diminishing each day. When I think of it, dear friend—an old childhood friend—I'm reminded of how I mistreated our friendship and failed to communicate my deep suffering. I was engulfed in depression and became addicted to marijuana, not realizing the depth of my pain.
The past few days have oscillated between profound sadness and unexpected happiness, marking some of the most intense experiences of my life. Although the future is uncertain, I now hold onto faith and hope, believing that by living in the present moment intentionally and mindfully, I can rebuild my life, one day at a time.
Reflecting on my past, I recognize a deep-seated depression that I mistook for normalcy. Starting in high school, marijuana became a harmful coping mechanism for my depression. I was unknowingly substituting one problem for another, masking my feelings and emotions instead of confronting and addressing my issues head-on. These distractions from reality were unhealthy, preventing me from facing my true self and the conditions of my life.
To move forward, I must accept what has happened, learn to love myself again, and show up for myself to live the life I dream of. It's crucial to express love to those around me before it's too late, making the most out of our time together. I am especially grateful for one person who, through her unwavering intuition and support, helped me recognize my suffering and the cycle of addiction and depression I was trapped in. Her presence encouraged me to face my life's challenges head-on.
Today, I began my day early, heading to the gym for weightlifting, resistance training, stretching, and meditation, followed by a session in the steam room. I nourished my body with a salad and kombucha, finding solace in these simple acts of self-care. Journaling has become a vital tool in my recovery, helping me articulate and understand my thoughts and emotions.
I also plan to honor Toni Morrison's legacy on her birthday by exploring her works and life, seeking insights that I can apply to my own journey. My practice on the ukulele is progressing, bringing joy and a sense of accomplishment. These activities, along with the gratitude I feel for having a place to call home, food to eat, and a chance to live my best life, fuel my hope for the future.
Thank you for reading. Keep going and hang in there. We're all in this together, facing our struggles and finding our way back to ourselves.
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