Breaking the Cycle: Addiction to Authenticity

By, Lenin Silva

In the quiet of dawn, a solitary figure contemplates the horizon, where light conquers darkness—reminding us that every moment of hardship carries the seed of a new beginning. 'It is impossible to predict the time and progress of revolution. It is governed by its own more or less mysterious laws.' - Lenin

Yesterday, on Valentine's Day 2024, I hit a breaking point. The grip of my addiction threatened to drag me fully under – toward prison, or suicide.

I woke up on Valentine's Day and immediately got high on marijuana. My dark thoughts spiraled until I could see only one way out. Loneliness and sadness felt suffocating, and self-destruction the only option. For an hour and a half, a USB cable was my noose, my Adam's apple straining against it. My pulse hammered.

A single image held me back: a woman I love more than words can express. Yet, through addiction and the madness it brings, I've done things I never thought I could, self-sabotaging at every turn. This experience opened my eyes. I am powerless against addiction alone. Yet, that woman…she represents hope, love, and a debt I can never repay. She has never turned her back on me.

Addiction turned me into someone capable of hurting those I love most. That pain fueled my using, a vicious cycle I refused to see. Now, it's clear I need healing. My goal is to embrace that process, not obsess over the destination. This means becoming my truest, most authentic self. A kinder self, with healthy boundaries and a better life.

Today, February 15th, 2024, at 5:27 p.m. in the Coachella Valley, I'm writing this instead of succumbing to old habits. This is my grounding, my way of being present. No longer will I sit and watch time pass.